My 3 year old daughter thinks she is white. Should I tell her she's not?

Question

My daughter is Asian [East Asian]. She goes to a daycare center that has a diverse population. She started to notice that kids have different skin colors, and she is convinced that she is white. Should I correct her?

Some context: we live in the American south [A southern state of USA].

Update: We came from East Asia. My daughter has pale white skin much like Caucasians which is why she confidently classify herself white. She will say "I am like Chloe" (who is Caucasian) "...and I'm different from Ava" (who is African American). Interestingly, so far she never group herself with other East Asian kids in her class (it's less clearly why). Currently she has no concept of race, nor does she exhibit any race/color-based preference to other kids or toys.

In an ideal world, the answer is pretty simple: Peppa pig is pink and Elmo is red. Colors make absolutely no difference. That, I believe, is my daughter's current understanding. It is innocent and wonderful. I would love to pretend that is also the reality, but I don't think that could be sustainable solution.

Answer 1

"Correct her" is an odd phrase. To a child, if her skin colour is pale then she'll describe herself as white (quite correctly when seen through that lens)

Instead of correcting her, why not spend some time talking through how everyone is a different colour, but that that shouldn't matter. Yes, once she is older, a wider view will be useful, and you will be able to describe why "white" is used to mean Caucasian and not Asian, but at 3 years old, children are children, and that is the only important aspect.

You could ask her about all the different skin colours there - is she the whitest? Or people's height. Is she tall or short? Or language. Or how big their hands are - these are all interesting to children, but they do not have any determination as to role yet.

(I'm Scottish - our natural skin colour has been described as blue...)

Answer 2

While I believe @RoryAlsop's answer is the best approach, I do appreciate that things might be a little more complicated for you in the American South, where there is a strong history of discrimination based on the color of one's skin.

I don't know what it's like where you live, but there's no harm (I believe) in beginning gentle discussions of history, and that the current thought should be that we are not "better" or "worse" based on the color of our skin.

If you live in an area that still has discrimination, and you're worried that your daughter may be hearing about it/experiencing it already, the time has come to start building her moral compass about 'color'. The world is full of examples of non-white heroes. Not knowing exactly the situation, if you think there might be some talk already, start discussing (on her level) the works of great people of all races, including white. If she grows up in a loving family that doesn't care about the color of one's skin, she will better be able to ignore or answer those who do when the time comes.

Answer 3

You shouldn't correct her by only telling her that she isn't white. Use this as an opportunity to teach her about her Asian heritage. It's important to get a feel of where you come from in general, and this is a near perfect opportunity to talk about the history of your family with your daughter.

Only telling her that she's Asian and not white is fairly pointless, especially at three. She's 100% going to argue with you, and without knowledge of her heritage she's probably going to win. "Look at my skin" is a pretty solid argument when you're three.

Answer 4

I'm white and my wife is black, and our daughter is 3. She has in the past always been very pale, and she goes to a preschool consisting mostly of Indian children who initially had darker skin than she. My wife told me that our daughter said that the kids at school had called her white. So I asked her what color my skin was, and she said it was white. I suggested that perhaps it was actually pink. I asked her what color mommy's skin was. The answer was "brown." We had such gems as "daddies are white and mommies are brown." Being in New Jersey, we never thought to correct her. We don't speak about race in her presence. At least as of yet we don't want her to think in those terms.

This summer she went to camp and her skin darkened considerably, pretty much to my wife's shade. Now the kids at school call her brown. Notice it is "brown" and not "black." I don't think these children are talking about race at all, just skin color. And I think the same may be true of your daughter and her friends.

In a setting as racially charged as the south, it may be appropriate for you to make that distinction with her now. Presuming this is correct, you could say her skin color is white, but her race is (insert specific race here) . Explain that when most people say white, they are talking about race, not skin color. You may even go so far as to distinguish the features that other people would be looking at to say she isn't white. I don't know if you've experienced this, but our daughter demonstrates tremendous understanding and could probably fathom these things were we to explain them to her well enough. To her there would be no judgement, just an utterly innocent explanation of something that would be taboo in normal adult conversation. You may want to do this now to avoid any nasty surprises.

Answer 5

I think the "correction" that needs to happen is to tell her that the color names that she is used to aren't used exactly that way with skin/people. Skin "color" is used to refer to someone's ethnicity, and actual skin color is just a part of that. If I say, hey look at that black guy over there, no one is expecting to see a pitch black person. They could be anywhere from light tan to very dark brown and we will call them black.

So, in her mind, she's not "wrong", she does have white skin, as many Asians do, but she needs to know that "White" is another word for Caucasian (which is pretty nondescript and used as a bit of a catch-all).

Answer 6

You might have taught your child that we don't call a person's hair "yellow", we use a different word; "blonde". In the context of hair, "yellow" is not the right word. When we use the word "white" in the context of describing a person, we don't mean they have pale skin, in the context of people, we mean most of their ancestors came from Europe, which is not true for her; her ancestors are from Asia.

Answer 7

The reasoning ability of a three year old, even a clever one, is severely reduced compared to that of an older child or adult. You first have to understand that she's seeing the issue through a dramatically simplified life lens. The whole notion of "race" probably doesn't even begin to register. For her, it's as simple and basic as the colors in a small box of crayons. Understanding of the political ramifications of race is far, far down the road.

There's no correction needed (or appropriate) here. What is appropriate is timely and gentle discussion of geography, culture, diversity, etc. Shoveling a tiny person into any sort of box, be it racial, sexual, emotional, or any other, no matter how "correct", is wrong.

Answer 8

Don't correct someone who may be right! :)

East Asians, to many, are white and it's possible that one day this opinion will be the majority view. This is my present view.

Whiteness is like statehood: a person is white if other people consider them white. There are vast swaths of people who historically have not been considered white who now are: cameras, mestizos, Italians, and East Europeans come to mind. Others who used to be considered white who are now not: North Africans, Iranians, and Arabs.

Answer 9

3 is a bit young to be teaching her racial discrimination - she is obviously comparing actual skin colour rather than ethnicity.

You could use the opportunity to show her how everyone is different, hair colour, skin colour, etc. She may have the same skin colour as Chloe, and have the same hair colour as Ava.

You say it "might not be sustainable" but it doesn't have to be. The time will come later to learn that not only do different people have different physical features but they may also have different cultural heritages / backgrounds / religions / languages - but 3 is quite young to be learning about that kind of thing.

(Side note: You may be trying to teach her to be bilingual if you are fluent in the language of your origin and she may start to notice that she's the only one in her group who can speak this language, and that's fine. But that is simply a feature of her life, not a reason why she is not "like" the others.)

Answer 10

In an ideal world, the answer is pretty simple: Peppa pig is pink and Elmo is red. Colors make absolutely no difference. That, I believe, is my daughter's current understanding. It is innocent and wonderful. I would love to pretend that is also the reality, but I don't think that could be sustainable solution.

But it is true!

I mean, sure, some people will classify her as Asian, and as an adult, that'd be a helpful thing to be aware of. But, there's a huge difference between knowing your blood type and thinking of yourself as a member of the set of people who have your blood type; likewise, there's a huge difference between knowing your race and thinking of yourself in terms of being a member of that race.

She doesn't need to think of the world in terms of how others do, especially when those ways are undesirable. For example, some people think of adult women in terms of how large their breasts are and classify them accordingly. And while it's probably important to be aware that some people see the world that way, why internalize it or even take their perspective seriously? Would you ever want a loved one to think of themself in such terms?

Likewise, your daughter's Asian, and some people might think that that's an important fact about her. But, she doesn't need to internalize that world view just because others have it. She can learn her race as just another factoid about herself, just like her blood type or birth day, rather than as a lens through which to see herself and others.

If your daughter grows up without ever having developed an interest in classifying people by race, I'd think you'd have handled this well.

Answer 11

Identify how your daughter is classifying 'whiteness'

Miscategorization is extremely common in young children. Children learn to identify categories by learning what items belong and don't belong, and forming the rules of the category from their observations.

If a child grows up with several small, four-legged furry animals which they are told are "cats", then they may decide that all small, four-legged furry animals are cats. Which is all fine and dandy until they encounter a schnauzer.

Sometimes all a child needs is a correction which they can incorporate into their categorization model. Other times, the child will fall into hysterics because they think that you're challenging their identification of the schnauzer as a "small furry animal". And since their identification of the schnauzer as such is correct, they don't know how to handle it. They don't recognize that you were correcting the connection between "small furry animal" and 'cat', and can't express themselves enough to explain why they don't understand why you're telling them that they're wrong.

What this means in your case is that rather than correcting your daughter's categorization of herself as 'white', you need to directly address your daughter's understanding of the requirements for the category. Ask her how she knows if a person is white or not, and then explain where her categorization is incomplete.

Answer 12

I would not say correct her, I would prefer to explain to her, in simple terms, that in this case the color has more meaning, as well as the moon may be the ball on the sky in one context, while in another context it is just the time span of 28-31 days, where the current values came from animosities of rules of some far country many centuries ago (months named after the rules and MY month cannot be shorter than his month).

Somebody would tell here soon anyway, better be it you in a nice and friendly environment, than some rude, who does not know better (and just got splinter of that information) and tells her "you are just wrong and therefore stupid and not white at all, if you are Asian" (or something more rude).

Going with the month parallel, I would agree, that her skin is nice white (and the ribbon goes really well to it), but as the word moon has more meanings and some have historical roots, which does not even matter now, "white" has also more meaning when connected to people, which have some historical roots, when in old times peole realized that some have white skin, some dark, some more yellow tones or red and came with simplification to call whole nations by colors, they had seen as different in majority, but does not have so much validity now, when anybody can marry anybody and there is oftentimes not a strict distinction, what exactly the supposed "color" even should be. Mainly if while her ancestry is from Asia, but her skin is a lot whiter, than of some people from, say, Europe. So that she is right that she is white as far as it goes for skin color, but there is also the ancestry, that her family comes from Asia, so she is also Asian.

And that is like if Ted's family came from Austin in Texas, so he is both American and Texan and Austrian at the same time and it is not conflict or problem. And Ava is from a family, which has roots in Africa and her skin is darker, but not so dark as the skin of (there must be somebody darker than Ava, if not in neighborhood, then on TV she sees).

And that she is white (as per skin tone) as Chloe, but that Chloe's family came from this state/city there and you're from that state/city so there are also small differences in that. As well as there are differences in hair color and eye color and that that she prefers different colors of robe/ribbon, than Chloe does. And that that all those differences of color do not matter so much, even if they exist.

(or something like that)

You cannot prevent her from the facts in the world, but you can explain her in the terms, that she would understand and not be ashamed when she is confronted with it, rather to be proud. "Yes, I am Asian and I an as white as Chloe, who's American and Hans, who is German. Some Americans are not even as white as I am. Why it should matter anyway?"

---

I am from Europe and at 3 I was aware, that in Africa live black people and that some children around have different colors and a different heritage. I did not care much at that time. I owned a lot of planets, where lived people and animals of all possible colors in harmony.

I remember, that around age 5 I did know some basics about that people are born, not that they are found under a rose or a crow brings them or so. My mother was pregnant and I knew, that there is my sister inside her, but the sister is just so small a baby, that she had to be protected by my mother's body all the time and that when she grew more, she would be able to came out and play with me and I would have to protect here. (well no technical details, how it is exactly done, but I do not care, it was natural, that it happens somehow at the right time. I was allowed to touch the tummy, she was inside, feel her move in there and sometimes kick, but I must be gently, to not hurt or scare her. Around age 6 I was allowed to carry my sister part of thw way home when she was finally born (well probably hard supervised by my parents, but I was the Prince, who has had a little Princess in his hands and was resposible for walking steady and holding her firmly on her first way home). I still remember, how I was disappointed, that she does not play with me and still cries and does not grow at all, even if I checked her like 5x a day)

So maybe it is hard to believe now, when your dauther is just 3, but in two years she may even hear something about how are child are born - you cannot pretend to her for long, until she gets some hints from other sources. So I think, it is better to be open with her, just on the level she needs to know about the world around - simple level, sure and not much details, but not lie to her and do not think she could not discover something until you explicitly allow her to as it does not work that way.

On the other hand, do not push much details and burden on her, answer her questions honestly, but with regards to her age, do not avoid difficult topics, but you need not go in too deep and force her to know and agree on the hard reality.

If you cannot totally shield her from reality, it is better to prepare her gently in a loving and safe environment to the parts of reality, which she is going to meet soon, than just deny it all and try to fix results, when damage is done. With a careful approach the damage may be prevented a she can accept it as all other oddities of world, she had to accept so far (why is mom so much larger than me? Well she is older so she had longer time to grow. But granny is not larger than father, even if she is older. Well no everyone grows equally fast and older people do not grow so much ... ok, it makes sense now, even if it's just small part of the really complex biological science).

So she is white, as well as Asian, as well as Princess of pony kingdom - it is all true now but more important is, that she lives in a loving family and is accepted as who she is without questions.

You are caring about her and that is important. She has a safe and loving home and that counts much more than that in the world around are some illogical or unpleasant things.

Answer 13

It makes sense that she would describe herself as white. Race is totally irrelevant to young kids who haven't been taught otherwise, and she is probably just noticing and describing her skin tone as she would describe the color of a car. There is no need to "correct" her; it sounds like she is already correct and is just using the word "white" in a different sense than the one in which you are used to hearing it. I would just acknowledge her, saying something like, "yes I see your skin is pretty light", and move on.

Answer 14

I think 3 is a good age to be deciding which things are like each other (a.k.a. object pairing).

I think that "diversity" probably implies that everyone is different, too, as well as being the same.

And "does it matter" might be a question to explore.

I'd ask her teachers too: I know that this topic (i.e. "diversity") is part of the training for preschool teachers ("early childhood educators") in Ontario, perhaps it's something that her teachers too know how to teach -- who knows, perhaps even an aspect of the curriculum.